How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
