I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
