The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
