I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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