just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If I die, sorry about rent.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
