the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
