Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
