im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
