I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think your dad took our porno
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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