Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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