I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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