my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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