Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
