According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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