she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
