apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize