I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
