Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
