Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
