Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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