i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
