Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
