I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
