Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
