The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Holy shit dude........stairs
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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