Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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