I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
