I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
