Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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