my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
