operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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