I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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