This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
