Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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