dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
