So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
