I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
