and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
