enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
