Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
