BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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