My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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