Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize