my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize