I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
