Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
