2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
