he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
