we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
