i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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