did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
