She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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