Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
