It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
