I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize