I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
