you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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