How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
