omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
