is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
