Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
