I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
