What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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