I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
