And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
