I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is Oprah even human
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
