You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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