Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
