haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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