I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
